Yet another sudden realization

Yet another sudden realization, hits me like a fist. Makes me stumble and fall over.
Yet another sudden realization, haunts me in my sleep. Makes me toss and fall out of bed.
Yet another sudden realization, comes to me as im eating. Makes me choke on my food and cry.
Yet another sudden realization, kisses me. Makes me gag and go brush my teeth.
Yet another sudden realization, wraps its arms around me. Makes me pull away and run.
Yet another sudden realization, teases me from the outside. Makes me put my face up to the glass and wish.

So i stop. And breath. And think.
Soon it will all go away.

stars

I want to hold the stars. And put them in a jar. Keep them in my room. And just look at them.

Where art thou romantic movies?

You should of seen me. Pathetic balled up in my pj's scarfin down chocolate and bawling histerically as i watched the movie "Bright star" a british "pride and prejiduce kinda film"
The plot was the same, A daughter from a semi-weathly family falls in love with a poet with no money. So ofcourse because money was everything back then, they couldnt be together. You would think that after seeing quite a few of these cliche' films i would be used to it know. Guess i wasnt because as i sat there, tears streamin down my face because Mr. John Keats was leaving for Italy and was never goin to see his love again, my parents were laughing histerically at me from the kitchen. I could of died. My heart poured out for this "chick". The long months she waited just to get a few letters from her love. I have an anxiety attack when i dont hear from somebody in a few days. She could not love him. But she did. And nothing was going to stop her. It was so sweet and mushy and lame at the same time that i didnt stop crying until the credits were half way over. I feel in love with the characters in a matter of two hours. Then thought about what they went through for another two hours. I would have been concerned for myself if it wasnt a true story. But it was. That really happened. Wow. Movies. Geesh! :(

Peacocks

Theres a vase of peacock feathers in my room. Just sitting there looking beautiful. But as i thought about it more i realized something. How did they get here? Did they kill those beautiful birds just so their feathers can sit in a vase in some ones room and have some one utter a mere "pretty" in their direction and move on? Do they miss them? Do you think they feel naked? Un-beautiful? I realize that we are selfish people. Taking what does not belong to us and trying to capture the beauty for ourselves. We cage birds, put fish in clausrophobic bowls, pick flowers and then throw them away when they die from lack of water. We take, and steal, we cannot just look and love, we cannot just look and dont touch. Our mothers have told us since the begginning of time. But we forget and ignore the warnings. We feel we are more important. WE feel we need to fufill our needs, we ignore the needs of others. I view my vase of peacock feathers differently now. I took them down to the river and let them float away hopefully to their original owner. And hopefully he'll forgive me for stealing them in the first place.

Head first

I keep having this re-occuring dream. Im standing next to the ocean, holding a scarf. Theres foot prints in the sand leading to the ocean. I have a feeling like i need to follow them. I hear some one screaming and thier head bobbing up and down in the sea gasping for air, i dont know who it is. I cant see their face. But suddenly my hands are dropping the scarf and reaching out towards the ocean as i run straight in. Then the water turns green and all around me theirs people drownding calling out for help. I try to save them all but i cant. So i keep swimming towards the first person a deep force compelling me to swim faster and faster all though my legs and arms feel like lead and are slowly weighing my down. I keep swimming but dont seem to be getting closer. I feel helpless. I cant help that person. But then i realize in horror. that im really the one drownding.

I wish i knew what in the heck my subconsious is trying to tell me.

My hands

I look at my hands,
and wonder what i am capable of.
I reach out and try to touch,
what i cannot reach.
I hold on tight,
to what is not mine.
I trace the tears,
of those ive hurt.
I hold on to your hand.
though i really should not,
I wont let go,
wont loosen my grip.
Because i know that in the long run,
well still have each other.

Through the trees i saw Mystic

When everything youve ever held close is gone in just a few moments , it leaves you with this feeling of emptiness. everything youve ever dreamed, ever hoped, ever laid in bed and thought about. gone. just gone. So suddenly it brings tears to your eyes. And knowing that people get the joy of having the one thing youve lost, while you have to sit back and watch everything unfold. You have no control. Helplessness complete and total helplessness. Knowing that if your were stronger you could somehow change the way things have ended up. re-trace steps and fix something. Although unpossible we still hope and dream of the days when things were better. Days when we werent so alone and lost. When we thought we had everyting. And life seemed simple. un-complicated, when really everything was. We just looked past it because we knew that what we had was soo much better. And now the memories we made hold us together as the rest of us falls to peices. And as they hit the ground and shatter, unable to be put back together. We look down in despair at all we had. Yet a sudden feeling of hope builds inside us, hope that eventually we will feel better about our failures. What we lost. hoping to regain hapiness for what it once used to be. And although we know it ownt be the same happiness we once experienced before, at least it wil hold us over.

Untiltled

The interaction of humans is as vital as sunlight to a growing plant. Without it one would surely wither up and fade a way. The mutal understandings of those you speak with is one of lifes greatsest gifts. If we were able to look past all shallow inquiries. We would see a face just as ours reaching out. Life truly istn that complicated. But choosing to look only half way into the person before us we set limits, barriers, we draw a line between ourselves and them, setting false expectations. Impressions, first, lasting. To judge soley on the mere looking of one in a single instance. We set ourselves up for failure by trying to look past our own flaws. We judge those that are struggling to hold on, when we ourselves are slipping.

Things we take for granted:

The sun, Rain, forks, hot showers, coffee, pillows, toothpaste, baseballs, tears, shrimp, lunch ladies, ducks, air freshener, juice, grass, clouds, chairs, clocks, flowers, books, sweaters, pennies, soup, fire, socks,feathers, cards, dogs, fertilizer, water, pens, trees, spiders, mangos, hairspray, feet, mints, music, roads, paper, oprah.

Why paris?

Yeah, thats the dream, Paris. The lights, the romance, the history, THE FOOD!!
Paris seems so apealing. (i know i spelled that wrong) Why? Mabey it's the fact that it's some where very far away from the United states. Or that when you hear ppl talking over there you cant help but stop and admire the beautiful language. Ah Paris! zee place to be. So heres this wonderful place. Thousands and thousands of miles away from me. And it seems so unrealistic that I'll ever be able to go. Back pack Europe. Meet extrordinary ppl, hear their stories and share mine. A movie, a Dream, why? It's really a wonderful place, imagine yourself drinking coffee at a little bistro across from a park with frenchies (i donno smooching) on benches. Someones playing 'La vien Rose' on the accordian, and all around you see flowers and buildings.
You can sit for hours and just watch. Watch people, watch the city, just sitting back and letting the dream become reality. Theres a little box under my bed stuffed with crinkled dollar bills, pay checks and quarters. This is my paris box. Although i doubt that they'll let me take all that crap up to the counter to pay for the plane ticket. Still that little box has been under my bed for 3 years now. And every time i open it im reminded of how sucky it's going to be when i get to paris and everything goes wrong. It's going to rain, the whole time. The city will be dirty, no one will be playing the accordian. People will be rude, the food will taste disgusting, Ill get lost and mix up my french and call some one a "dirty rat". Why you may ask am i being so negative? Because dreams dont come true. No matter how hard we wish them. Reality always sinks in and were stuck having to be content with what we have. But we dont like contentment. We want things to be perfect. But it's impossible. They cant be.

I dont want to

I am in a very sticky situation.
I do not want to lose either of them.
I cannot chose.
I cannot tell.
I must make my heart into stone.
Because to lose either of them would tear it apart. :(

why you say eh?

Niagra falls, the maple leaf, the olympics. Ring any bells? Thats right im talkin bout Canada.
I went there last year. Drove 26hrs. on a bus full of 30 people just to see it. My butt fell asleep,
and i about went crazy from waiting. And then we saw it the canadian border. Everyone woo'd.
We got our passports stamped. Then drove into CANADA *heavenly voices sing* and let me tell ya somethin. WHAT A RIP OFF. We entered canada. and it looked......like texas. I was expecting everything to be shiny, the land of the free health insurance! Where were the healthy looking people!?!? So we went and stayed in a hotel that looked like any other hotel. At some food that tasted....like american food. And went to the bathroom in toilets that (shocker) were made in china. So really why did we come here? Eh? EH?? EHHHH??? to see a water fall that well was impressive but was no where near the amazing white trash rodeos you could go see in Texas.
Ontop of that the canadian guy that was giving us the tour could hardly speak english and never said "eh." Dissapointment. Btw all you canadians our there, just ignore this. it was not meant to offend. it was to entertain one of my crazy friends. :D

Take that Pennfoster!

I would like to travel back in time and kill the man that invented algebra. I believe it would be for the better of mankind. Because seriously im sitting here my brain about to explode from all the numbers and little stupid symbols that make no sense what so ever. I could be sleeping, or baking, or doing something far more interesting than staring at this paper back and drooling.
I mean dont get me wrong education is important and all but it's not the reason i wake up every morning or anything. So i guess it would be safe to say that i could care less about weather or not i can find the certain number to this certain stupid problem. Forget it! Im gonna go eat a pickle and watch some foreign movie on TCM.

Suitcase of feelings

Theres a suitcase on the ground.
Overflowing with my feelings.
Each one takes up it's own space.
Each one with it's own influence.
And i cant seem to fit them all in.
So i have to pick which ones i'll leave.
But i dont have that choice.
I just have to let them go where they want.
Unfourtunatly,
Happiness
Contentment
Numbness
and Nothingness
are over powered by
Anxiousness
Sadness
Confusion
Anger
and Aloneness
take up all the room in my tiny suitcase.
And this suitcase is all i have on my journey.
So i have to be content....
although it doesnt fit in my suitcase.

The greenest eyes you'll see

Green
an ocean of glass spread neatly across everything
like being under water when all sound is muted
and little air bubbles tickle your nose
like mustard spread upon a starch white piece of bread.
and how the smell makes you gag
like when you see a picture of starving children
and how they dont have any shoes
like people that walk on fire
and how their burning flesh smells like marshmallows
like when you were a little kid gathered by a fire
and how the flames lit up the darkness
like the single light bulb in your closet
and how you cry in the dark when your lost
like when your wondering on a unfamiliar road
and nothing makes sense
like a math equation that never ends
and your brain starts hurting
like you need a tylenol
and you cant find the pharmacy around the block
like the little girl next door
and how she lost her dog yesterday
like every other little girl with a dog
and how she crys everytime you see her
like the lady that works the cash register at mcdonalds
and how she looks so depressed and mistaken
like the people in the magazines who smile
and act like they love their bodies and who they are
like how all the parents tell us to do.
and we want to be some one else
like the people who screwed up their lives
and wish they could start over
like normal people
and poets
like the one that wrote this poem.

It's only the truth

Life changes so quickly.
The routine we were so used to dissolves
into nothing.
The people we know move on and we find ourselves moving on with them.
And even though a part of us longs for the way it used to be.
we couldnt be happier to embrace the future.
for what it holds
for what it promises
for what we think it will accomplish.
We use our memories as a flashlight
shining only a small circle in the pit of darkness
Soley depending on them to help us see through the black of
our future and what it holds for each one of us individually.
And knowing that even though were unsure
were slightly scared,
and mabey even excited
We will always have our memories
and the ablility to look back and say:
"Well that was stupid!" :D

All the time in the world

I got home from work today and went over the mile long mental check list i had been dreading.
Cleaning, Studying, and im sure somethin else. But as i walked outside, and well the sun was shining the first time in like forever, i just couldnt find myself doing, anything. So i didnt. I just sat sat in the hammock for the whole day and well thought. About everything. Life. Stupid random things. Pretty much everything that you forget to think about as your rushing around doing whatever you think is important at that time. I'ts funny how people forget to think. For example one minute their sitting in the car and then the next their in the parking lot of wherever not even remembering the drive over, which can, well be potentially dangerous. People have a nact for not thinking. I think most put their brain on hold, spitting out whatever flows from their mouth. But i guess it's ok, people dont really care anymore. Like you could be in a very intense conversation and casualy say "I really like how that pie looks on your face" and i guarantee people wont catch it. ANYWAYS! So as im sitting in the hammock, thinking, a very interesting thought crosses my mind. Have you ever noticed how that old lady down the street looks at your strangely through her blinds. Or the garbage man seems to be talking to himself as hes knee deep in your crap? I donno but i thought could it be.....that theirs this like strange little organization that knows everything about you? Like keep video cameras in your room and see you rocking out infront of your mirror.....the feeling of being watched?.....whatever. I dont know what im talking about.